The Bianual Fanfiction Party
by Alex McM
Summary: Its been two years and I've decided to celebrate with a bunch of our most beloved anime and movie characters. Seras gets drunk, Alucard kills Edward, Sven discovers Eve's 'new job', Ichigo and Rukia kiss and Kon get's killed by an Easter egg! 100% crack!


It's been two years now that I've been writing fanfiction and so I thought I'd do something special...Such as a crack-fic? Enjoy and feel free to review.

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><p>The room was dark. Little light could penetrate this place and the faint slivers of moonlight which sifted through to pierce the darkness barely illuminated the space around them. Everything was silent in the room, but there was a slight trace of movement, a silhouette's spasmodic movements in the corner of the room.<p>

"Where the hell is it?" Someone grumbled. There was a faint squeaking noise and a grunt of effort and then the room was suddenly bathed in light. A small stuffed lion stood beneath the light-switch panting heavily. "God damn! That was too much effort..."

'Creak'

The stairs outside wailed like a banshee and the muffled conversations between several people could be overheard.

The stuffed animal panicked and switched the lights off again before running full tilt to the other side of the room. His footsteps made odd little squeaks which rebounded around the room until they were near deafening. He cursed under his breath and hid under a table.

"Ugh, I'm too old for this..." A young male groaned outside.

"Oh come on! You're supposed to be tough! Or are you just a weak little coward in disguise?" A girl replied arrogantly.

"Shut up! I won't take crap from a midget!"

"I'm not a midget! I just haven't had a growth spurt in 135 years!" The girl retorted defensively.

"Geez, let's just get some rest...I've been busting my ass for two years and I deserve a break..."

"It's one shift a week you lazy ass! Get over it!"

The door opened and Ichigo and Rukia stumbled through. Ichigo looked as if he had died. His eyes were rimmed in black smudges and his cheeks were horribly pale. For a moment you would have believed he was a walking corpse...Until you realised it was just make-up...

Ichigo switched the lights on and collapsed onto his bed. He sighed deeply and looked up at the ceiling. "I have to play a zombie, a rock star and about four action heroes all at the same time! I'm so tired...My hands hurt, my face is sore and I've had to do so many action scenes I can't even stand anymore."

Rukia smirked. "So have I, Ichigo. But you don't hear me complaining."

"Get off my back will you-"

"Hold on!" Rukia cut in. "It feels like we're missing something?"

Ichigo looked around the room with a frown. "Hey, I think you're right."

"Have we forgotten someone? I swear-"

"Aw Nee-san! I knew you would remember me!" The stuffed animal pounced from under the table and landed on Rukia's shoulder. "I knew you still loved me and- Oof!" Rukia punched the weird little creature in its tiny chest and sent it flying across the room.

Ichigo sat up and glared at it as well. "Kon?"

"Yes, it's me Kon! Everyone's favourite Bleach character and loveable mascot!" Kon roared, puffing his chest out with pride that was easily shattered.

"The polls speak otherwise." Rukia said snidely.

Kon twitched and a stray tear fell from his button eyes. He shook his head and coughed before regaining his composure. "_Anyway_, since I have been unfairly left out of all stories for the past two years and also since a recent lawsuit I have been given the task of hosting-" He took a deep breath, either because he was asthmatic or for dramatic effect.

A senkai gate opened behind him and the trio stepped through into a large hall filled with people. It looked like they were doing a comedy roast or something. Kon leapt high into the air and whipped out a mini-microphone which he screamed into as loud as his non-existent lungs could manage:

"The Two-Year-Fanfiction-Anniversary-Party! Hi everyone! I'm Kon, the hyperactive, hyper-sexy, hyper-furry," He turned and winked to Rukia who gagged. "And super awesome mascot of Bleach! Tonight we'll meet some old friends and some people we've never even seen before because we haven't been crossed over yet! You'll laugh, you'll cry and the first few rows will get wet!"

Confused glances and whispers ran through the crowd.

"Now, let's welcome our main guests! We have Ichigo Kurosaki of Bleach and Rukia Kuchiki of Bleach and my dreams."

Rukia tried to shield her face but Kon persisted, moving closer and closer to her until she was forced to punch him. Kon dusted himself off and returned to his task.

"Uh, yes...And we have Alucard of Hellsing...Who hasn't turned up yet...Neither have the other Hellsing guests..." The little stuffed animal wiped sweat from his brow. "Um...We also have Train Heartnett from Black Cat. Sven Volfied from Black Cat. Eve from Black Cat. Clare from Claymore...Don't know what that is but oh well..."

Clare glared at the little stuffed animal with distaste. She reached for the giant sword strapped to her back but a young blonde girl rushed up from her seat and tackled her.

"No! Don't kill the little lion! He's too cute!"

Ichigo and Rukia both rolled their eyes. "Oh god...It's _her_..."

Kon chuckled to himself. "Ah, yes due to her astounding popularity we have the Pet Store Girl from 'Bleach Christmas'. We also have Alice from Resident Evil." Kon took out a long roll of paper. "Uh...Who have I forgotten? Ah yes! Now everyone, none of us would be here tonight for our original creators, but tonight we're here for a different person. We all have received extra shifts due to the people who write fan fiction but unfortunately a lot of those are just yaoi drabbles..."

Grimmjow winked at Ichigo and the young hero almost threw up. His face went green and his head slumped forward to bang the table. Grimmjow laughed manically before he started crying.

Kon rolled his eyes. "Yes, we all know it's creepy, but tonight we're here to celebrate someone else. No this fan fiction author has thankfully kept us out of any of that weird stuff...Instead he just tortures us and makes us all suffer, well not that I would know because I was fucking ignored for two fucking years!"

The entire hall went silent and all eyes were on Kon who suddenly went bright red in the face. Sweat was pouring down his brow and he wiped it away with a deep sigh. "Keep it together...Keep it together..." He whispered to himself like that for several minutes. When he was done he waved a hand to a door near the front of the room which was opened conveniently at just the right time to allow me to step through.

"It's Alex McMullen."

The cheer wasn't as big as I would have liked but whatever, I didn't have the budget to bribe them all. I sat down at the centre of the long table which ran against the front wall. Above me was a large screen but it was blank at that time.

"Well now that everyone's here let's get started!" Kon announced, only to be drowned out by someone banging on the entry doors. He pinched the bridge of his nose and cursed quietly. "Security! Sort it out would you?"

Zaraki Kenpachi opened the door and glared down at a weedy little creature standing outside. "Who are you?"

The pitiful little being coughed nervously and looked past the giant of a man into the hall beyond. He noticed many pair of eyes glaring at him and he stepped back a bit. "Is there a man named Alucard here?" He asked so quietly that no-one could hear. When he received a blank stare in response he repeated the question, this time it was only just audible.

"Alucard? No he's not here yet. Why? Are you some kind of fangirl or something?"

"I'm not a girl!" The alleged young man cried.

"Whatever..." Kenpachi mumbled. "You've got ten seconds to convince me not to tear your face off and feed it to you."

"I am here to speak with Alucard. He has been treating me unfairly for quite some time and I'm just about sick of it!"

"Hang on." Kenpachi leaned forward and stared at the boy. "I recognise you..." Others in the crowd nodded, seeming to recognise him as well. "You're that weird little pansy from those movies...Edward, wasn't it?"

"Y-yes..." The worthless excuse for a vampire started to back away.

"Ha! I remember that day! I ripped you to pieces! Boy that was fun, we should do it again!"

Edward began running backwards, keeping his terrified gaze on the numerous executioners he had met in his accursed past. "Um, no thanks. I have somewhere I need to be- oof!" Without looking behind himself, the stupid fool ran into someone and tripped onto all fours. As he looked up he noticed a flowing red coat and in an instant his blood ran cold.

"A-A-Alucard?" He stammered.

The great nosferatu grinned wickedly, his fangs gleaming in the moonlight. The vicious red eyes of his were concealed behind tinted orange glasses. Alucard stared down at the hopeless 'vampire'. "Edward Cullen. You summoned me."

"Ah yes...I was just saying...You treat me pretty badly and...Um...I won't stand for it any longer!"

Alucard chuckled menacingly. "Oh really. What can a pitiful worm like you do to stop me?"

"I'll tell on you!" Edward cried. "I'll make sure the world knows about your brutish behaviour and then you will be in big trouble! Your organisation will crumble and you will be ruined!"

"A fair threat, but that can only work if you leave this place alive. That however won't be happening." Alucard stepped forward, a twisted smile on his face. "As I've told you and your wretched kind many times before, Vampires don't sparkle! Your flesh is an insult to our kind, therefore..." Alucard gripped Edward's cheek and tore off the whole left side of his face. Sparkly blood sprayed out all over the No Life King and his prey. "Eat it!" He snarled, shoving the rolled up scraps of skin down his throat. Edward gagged and tears ran down his cheeks which were turning blue.

"You bastard! That was my idea!" Zaraki snarled.

Everyone else watched on in awe but unfortunately the rest was too gruesome for the guest's eyes and so the doors were closed while Alucard tortured the little 'vampire'. Imaginations ran wild as gunshots; screams and loud liquid splatters could be overheard outside. Alucard's laughter soon drowned out the horrific chorus of agony.

Kon coughed into the mic really loud to get everyone's attention and when all eyes were back on him he chuckled nervously. "Well...That's one way to break the ice...Anyway; let's get this thing started shall we?" The crowd waited while the screen flickered into life. "Now, we have a guest from Spain. I believe the cast of REC are on satellite link to say hello. Can we just get it up on the screen there?" Static buzzed from the screen and then a low quality shot of a small room appeared on-screen. "Ah there we go! Hello? Angela? Pablo? Are you there?"

An odd growling sound drifted out of the speakers and then the screen went red. Seconds later the link was broken. Murmurs ran through the crowd like running water and Kon tugged at his collar, only to realise he had no collar... "Well...that's too bad. Moving on then! Let's welcome to the stage our friends from Black Cat!" Kon clapped hyperactively and it soon caught on within the crowd.

The three guests took to the front of the stage and crowded around the microphone. Eve stood to one side staring out at the crowd, her cheeks red. Train looked down at a tattered piece of paper and read through it hastily before gazing out at the crowd with an awkwardly forced smile.

"Say, Sven. Are you a cat or dog person?"

Sven scratched his head. "Well to be honest I'm not fond of cats."

"What? Does that mean you don't like me?" Train asked, exaggerating disappointment.

"Well I just hate them. They always run away without telling you where they are going, they always think they are in charge and they always give you bad luck."

Train smirked. "Hang on; are you talking about cats or your ex-wife?" A light wave of laughter ran through the crowd accompanied by scattered applause. Meanwhile, Eve ducked under the table and out of sight.

"So Sven, you still haven't answered the question. Are you a cat or dog person?"

Eve suddenly popped up between the two wearing cat's ears and her hands morphed into paws. She meowed like a cat and Sven started blushing. Without any hesitation he yelled out as loud as possible. "I love cats!" He then hugged Eve and another wave of laughter ran through the crowd. Lots of people went "Aw" like they do when watching a kitten play with a ball of wool and Eve blushed intensely, ducking under the stage and returning soon after as her normal self.

Sven and Eve sat back down while Train remained at the microphone. "Hi everyone! I hope you're having a good time. I just want to thank Alex for inviting us here. Sven and I have been out of work for a while now and it's been nice having something to do for once. Unfortunately, not all of us are able to move on from action/drama to soft-core porn..." Train coughed. "Eve." He coughed again.

The little blonde girl scowled at him and sent a dagger towards his head.

Train only just managed to duck and when he rose again he raised his hands in submission. "Okay, okay. I must admit I starred in 'To-Love-Ru' as well...Although I was one of the few characters to wear clothes throughout...Unlike some people-" He ducked under another dagger. This one sliced through his hair and created a reverse mohawk atop his head. Train went pale in the face and frowned. "I'm going to sit down now..."

"I hate ecchi people." Eve murmured. "I just needed money..."

Sven turned to her and frowned. "Hang on; what are you both talking about? What's To-Love-Ru?"

Train threw a book at Sven's head. After a short, irate grumble Sven opened it up and started to flick through it. "Hmm, I wonder where Eve is?"

"NO DON'T READ THAT!" Eve lunged towards him but it was too late.

"Holy shit!" The sweeper cried

"NO!"

"Eve?"

"Train!" The young blonde attacked without mercy, turning on her former friend and companion.

"Argh! Eve, Golden Darkness, whatever! Just please stop!"

A curtain fell over the Black Cat cast and Kon chuckled nervously again. "Ha! Wasn't that funny? Anyway, while they sort out their little issues how about we move on? Now we've received a special donation tonight. Since it's nearly Easter Weyland Yutani has kindly offered us this massive chocolate egg! Doesn't it look delicious? Don't tell anyone but I'm having the first bite."

Kon leaned over and bit into the top of the egg. A large chunk of rich milk chocolate came away and he swallowed it whole, more like a duck than a lion. He burped loudly and stuck his head inside the egg for another bite but instead he fell out with a large, pale creature wrapped around his face. He tried to scream but he was suffocating. The face hugger wrapped its tail around his throat and the little stuffed animal dropped to the floor unconscious.

A member of the crowd rushed up and snatched the microphone. Orihime Inoue giggled innocently as she kicked Kon's body under a table. "While Kon stuffs his face I'll take over. I'm Orihime, from Bleach and it's great to meet you all!" She clapped and giggled and a few members of the crowd followed suit. "Now let's welcome Seras Victoria of Hellsing fame."

The vampiress approached the stage and guzzled a large glass of what people hoped was red wine. She wiped her lips and staggered towards the microphone. "Hey everybody! Excuse me if I seem a little drunk...I've had like five people of blood and-" She hiccupped and slumped over. "Oh, that was weird. But um...I was supposed to...Uh...I can't remember, I'm too drunk. Sorry." She giggled innocently but the crowd was silent. A cricked chirped somewhere.

"I think my master was supposed to be here to help me do something but...I just can't remember...I'm going to uh...er...Go sit down now. Thank you." As she stumbled down from the stage she tripped and fell, landing in a heap on the floor. She giggled childishly as she crawled back to her seat.

The crowd murmured disappointedly and only a rare few clapped, but only because they thought her drunken state was scripted, but of course it wasn't.

Orihime rubbed the back of her head and sighed. "Well that was fast. Next how about you all make some noise for our next guest. He's a cruel beast with wicked sunglasses and a stylish red coat. He's also a dog person; let's have a round of applause for the great No-Life-King and greatest vampire of all...Alucard!"

People looked around expecting him to walk up to the stage but instead the air near the microphone darkened and the terrifying spectre of death stepped out and took his place. Although his coat was blood red, the actual stains were still quite apparent. No-one doubted that Edward had suffered and that brought a chuckle through the crowd.

"Good evening." Alucard said in his signature deep, evil baritone. "I must apologise for the Police Girl's childish behaviour as well as our little gate-crasher's interference. Now, I believe some of you had questions for me."

Orihime took out a pile of cards. "Hi Alucard. Now, you are a vampire and yet you hunt vampires. Do you feel bad about killing your own kind?"

Alucard chuckled heartily, though no-one else did. When he laughed everyone was too scared to even force a smile. Alucard leaned forward and stared deep into the crowd. "The pitiful freaks I hunt are nothing even remotely close to vampires. My kind are rare but when granted the opportunity I love to fight them."

"Well that's good. You have to enjoy your job. Anyway, next question. It has been hinted at that there might be a little spark of romance between you and your fledgling Seras Victoria. Is this true?"

"She is still a virgin." Alucard growled. "My taste for blood and women is different. She is merely a student...Nothing more."

Orihime smiled. "Ah, but you hesitated there for a moment! Are you sure-" She stopped when a bullet grazed her cheek. She coughed and shuffled the cards. "Okay then...Next."

"Yes, next question please." Alucard murmured.

"Alright then. You have fought many, many people in your career, is there a particular favourite opponent you have?" Orihime instinctively flinched but was thankful when she heard no more gunshots.

Alucard threw his head back and laughed. Half the audience shit themselves at that point. "Although he is terribly weak, there is none more satisfying than Edward. His blood tastes like boiled piss and his flesh is not worthy to feed to dogs at the pound but I have never had so much fun dismembering someone. He always finds a way to come back so I can kill him again and again! You have not lived until you have killed that sad little creature at least once. Who here has felt the joy of slaughtering Edward?"

Not surprisingly about half the audience raised their hands. The others frowned, obviously disappointed and eager to try it out (Don't worry, another 101 can be arranged!)

Alucard laughed like a madman (No surprises there...) "Go out and find him! Hunt him down and break him in any way you see fit. Torture him to your heart's desires and savour the bloodbath!" He threw his hands to the sky and bared his fangs to all. "Oh, I'm so excited now I just want to have a drink! Ha ha ha!"

Orihime looked around nervously and accidentally met Alucard's gaze. The two stared at each other in silence until Alucard broke it with a question of his own.

"Might I ask you young lady...Are you a virgin?" Alucard's smile was priceless but still no-one clapped or smiled or laughed, some were running for their lives and with good reason.

Orihime backed away, her flesh pale and eyes wide. "Uh...Um...I uh..."

"Are you a virgin?" Alucard roared, appearing before her in the blink of an eye.

Orihime's cheeks burned bright red and she tried to protest but it was too late. Alucard buried his fangs deep into her throat and blood coursed down her shoulder and stained her dress as well as Alucard's face. The horrid gulping noise was almost deafening but was son drowned out by screams. Alucard pounced on another audience member and started a feeding frenzy.

While the crowd ran around in panic those near the stage remained where they were, seated comfortably and hoping above all else that if they remained still he would not notice them. It seemed to work as Alucard feasted on several more innocent people before taking a bow and leaving.

With Kon in a coma and semi-pregnant and Orihime passed out from blood loss someone else had to take the job as host, but who would do something so suicidally dangerous?

"Okay, everyone who isn't dead please sit down. Medics are on their way so just sit tight and let's get this ordeal- I mean party over and done with. My name is Kisuke Urahara and I'll take over from Miss Orihime who is taking a little nap. Now let's welcome Clare to the stage. Clare? Where is Clare?" Urahara looked around and saw the demoness facing off against Alucard outside. Zaraki had joined in too and it seemed that the warriors were having fun. Rather than break them up Urahara rolled his eyes and waited for the autocue to scroll down to the next guest. "Well our next guests are close friends of mine. I've starred alongside them for quite a long time now and I can't think of anyone better to work with. Please welcome Rukia Kuchiki and Ichigo Kurosaki!"

The scarce few who weren't dead or dying clapped and made weak cheers. The orange haired hero and the shy warrior took to the stage and observed the destruction that had taken place in the hall. They then both looked to each other and nodded. "Shot not cleaning this up!" They both yelled.

Everyone else started repeating them...Except for Urahara who was last. He looked around and his eyes narrowed. "Shot not!" When everyone laughed he cursed under his breath. "Very well...But first we've got some questions for you two."

Ichigo nodded hastily, "Fine, but hurry up. I want to get the hell out of here before Alucard comes back."

"Alright, alright. Calm down. Now first off, Ichigo, how does it feel to be the action here all the time?"

The berry-head sighed and hung his head low. "It is fun and I do love it but it's so tiring...I have to collaborate with so many people and every day I have to remember a different story. I keep ducking between Kubo and all these fan fiction people and I never get any rest, it's always fight, fight, fight!"

Rukia giggled softly.

"What?" Ichigo demanded.

"Pansy. 'Oh it's so exhausting having to get off my ass and actually do something!' I would have thought you would hate sitting down...Especially after those yaoi stories..."

Once again Grimmjow winked at Ichigo and that same terribly ill expression crept up on the poor hero's face. He started crying while Grimmjow smoked a cigarette and cackled manically.

Urahara winced. "Ooh, that was harsh. Now Rukia, you and Ichigo seem to insult each other a lot. Is that troublesome considering your feelings for one another?"

Rukia blinked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well...It's just that...You know..."

"No, I don't."

"Well...You're a couple aren't you?"

"Only at work and only when Ichigo can get away from Grimmjow. Those two are-"

"STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!" Ichigo screamed.

Urahara frowned. "See folks. This is what happens when you write Yaoi stories. You fangirls may find it 'cute' or 'sweet' but it cripples the poor actors involved. Please support non-yaoi stories and read something better...Such as Alex McMullen's stories. No boy love, no faggots and a little less psychological trauma! But anyway, enough advertisement. Let's get back to the main issue. Rukia, are you sure you don't love Ichigo?"

Rukia started blushing. "Well...I...Um..."

Ichigo rolled his eyes and grabbed Rukia. He drew her close and the two kissed much to the appraising cheers and wolf whistles of the crowd. Confetti rained down and fireworks went off (Quite dangerous in an enclosed room but still they look awesome!) Dramatic music played over a cheap speaker and the two remained locking lips, even as Ichigo picked up his girl and carried her away.

Urahara clapped and cheered. "Bravo! Now, as those two go backstage and get ready for our spectacular finale let us remember something very important. Fanfiction is great. It's fun, easy and anyone can do it, but we all have to remember that we do not own any characters used throughout these stories excluding OC's or self inserts."

At that point I felt many glares upon me but I don't know why...

Urahara took a deep breath. "And now for the obligatory disclaimer that has mysteriously been missing from just about every story written on this site. All characters are the sole property of their respective owners and are not the property of the author. There, now we can't get sued!"

The lights dimmed. Urahara told the crowd to calm down and when everyone was silent he continued. "As a special treat for you all we now have a special performance from a few of our favourites from Bleach. This is Soul Reaper performing their hit single 'Hollow'! Enjoy!"

A terrifying roar shook the entire building and it continued to tremble as the loudest music on earth blasted out from massive towering amps set on the sides of the stage. The music video for the song played on the screen while the real thing occurred below. Ichigo, Rukia, Grimmjow, Renji and Kenpachi all adorned corpse-paint and created a maelstrom of musical rage. The metal mayhem ensued, giving everyone in the hall partial deafness, headaches and sore necks. Mosh pits formed and the previously exhausted, wounded and terrified crowd suddenly got on their feet and went absolutely fucking crazy!

The ambulance sirens outside were drowned out by the music and so was Alucard's sudden return. With the perfect distraction he feasted upon them and then in a frenzy of blood-drunk passion threw his head back and forth, his wild untamed hair (Perfect for metal) thrown about recklessly. One bloodied hand rose into the air and formed devil horns while the other clawed away at nearby people. Soon enough the music satisfied his thirst for violence and the beast was tamed...But it was a bit late for that...

The rare dozen or so survivors rocked on fearlessly despite the danger. But it did not mater to them because after all...

This is only a story.

_**END**_

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><p><span>It's been a fun two years and there's still more to come. Expect more crack-filled craziness from Alucard, more exciting action from Bleach and maybe an homage to Die Hard somewhere along the way. There will be great wars, tragedy, despair and enough explosions to keep a pyromaniac satisfied. Edward will die another 101 times and Alucard will be the one leading the charge, plus loads more! Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed my stories, it is your support that has kept me writing and I hope you continue reading whatever stories I write in the future. Thanks again!<span>


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